I just really miss my best friend, ya know?
I miss having someone, or having people. I don’t know why all these feelings are coming back. I don’t like it. I don’t want them. I thought we took care of it. I thought spilling all my secrets and taking this medicine was supposed to take away all the bad thoughts? I thought I was all fixed, no more anxiety.. no more depression.. no more hurt. I thought it was gone. But it’s back and it’s real and it hurts. It hurts a whole bunch. I don’t like being this girl. I hate this girl. I want to be confident and happy and healthy..like I was. Everyone hurts me, but I think I hurt myself the most..ya know? It’s my fault I get my hopes up, or I get too attached, or I expect too much. I’m the reason I’m this way; it’s no one’s fault but my own.. and that breaks me even more. I want to be happy. I want to matter. I want to be more than this. FUCK. It makes me so fucking irritated to know I’m not enough. Especially when I try and try and try and try and it’s STILL not enough. I need a blunt and my best bitch. I need a bottle and some good music. I need a summer night that goes the way we planned. I need to be drunk. Boy oh boy, do I need to be drunk.